Reconciling

One of the hardest things to do as a counselor is to get those who are disputing to reconsider why they should pursue peace instead. Here is a good example of what I mean. The other night a mother and her son came for counseling because they are constantly fighting with one another. Not far into the meeting I asked them to describe a typical day of fighting for me. Not only did they describe it but they also demonstrated it. They attacked one another's observations by correcting each other as if the other was intentionally trying to be deceptive and blame the other for what was wrong. Their proclivity to argue is so ingrained in them that they don't even recognize their argumentative habit.


I stopped their arguing to ask them what they thought the Scriptural purpose of communication is for? They didn't have a solid answer, but a vague guess. I read to them Proverbs 18:21, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits" ( ESV ). I wanted to point out that the purpose communicating is to bring life to their relationship. They understood what I was trying to get at and agreed with the premise that relationships are established and maintained through edifying communication.


Next, I questioned both of them if they loved one another and they acknowledged they did. Then I showed them through their demonstration how they were slowly contributing to the demise of their relationship. Every time they fought they created distrust for the other, so when they want to say something tender and thoughtful it is rejected because their history indicates that pain and insult come from the other. This was important for them because she is a single mom and he is an only child. They don’t have anyone else to depend upon if trouble appears.


Since I had their attention we were able to talk more about how they need to see their relationship in a different way, one that can usher in trust. Obviously they see themselves as mother and son and this is will continue because it is the reality. But I wanted them to see themselves as being members of the Church (1 Cor 12:12-13). By giving them this paradigm to think through it will help them to understand that Christ is their unifier and they have things in common. This new paradigm needs to become their primary model instead of the parent/child model.


In the parent/child model they’re limited in their understanding, because it is temporal and it is one-dimensional. The mom is to be honored and obeyed and the son is to not to be discouraged (Col 3:20-21). If they can make this switch they will see that their identity as Christians will be a reality rather than an afterthought (Jn 14:18-21). Identity leads to purpose, and purpose leads to practice (Eph 4:1-16). When this occurs then they can treasure Christ together and be truly unified (Php 2:1-4; 3:1-16).

Head Knowledge vs. Heart Knowledge

It has been some time since my last post, because there is a lot being said on
how to help lay counselors in the a local church that is more beneficial than what I can contribute. However, I think that I will try and take another crack at posting. Not so much as to give information but as a way to share information (which includes getting insight from others).

Head Knowledge vs. Heart Knowledge
Last Saturday I gave an address or lecture on head knowledge vs. heart knowledge for Biblical Counseling Center's Alumni Luncheon held at Harvest Bible Chapel in Rolling Meadows, Illinois. The reason that I chose this topic is because of the semi-pervasive lingo of Christians expressing how difficult it is to submit to solid biblical counsel.

As I understand the meaning behind the phrase, "I know it in my head, but not in my heart" is due to not trusting in God's ability or willingness to fulfill one's anticipated desires. The statement is made only in times of struggle and not in times of ease. To compensate for the distrust in God's grace and mercy the Christian will have to rely upon self as an attempt to secure what is wanted. This further results in a Christian lacking faith in God, and trying to merit His favor through self efforts of righteousness.

The antidote for faithlessness in God is again understanding Him as being merciful, loving, and gracious towards His people. Even harder to accomplish is to teach Christians what the fruits of God's grace look like in their lives daily, which should 
point to His mercy that flows from His love. You can go here Biblical Counseling Center and love. You can go here, Biblical Counseling Center, to purchase a copy of this cd along with two other lectures on forgiveness and people pleasing.

"Laying It At The Cross"

Christians face difficulties daily and typically our difficulties cease with the day’s end. Yet when we face trials that persist on into the next day, or week, or even years, our hearts and minds become heavy, grieved, saddened, and discouraged. Many Christians become so wearied of their prolonged troubles that eventually the hope that comes through typical coping mechanisms is exhausted and they decide to “lay their burdens at the cross.”

“Laying it at the cross” is a typical Christian cliche. It’s not wrong to use it, but I do think that there are problems associated with it. The old saying conveys one is throwing up his hands, burying his feelings, and no longer allowing the trial to affect him or bring him down.

Most troubles are rooted in relationships, and although it sounds pious to “lay it at the cross”, often what the speaker really intends is to disengage from the relationship God has ordained for him and to establish boundaries in order to protect himself from his offender and the pain the offenses have caused (Prov. 18:19). But God has designed us for relationship, and it is through our relationships that we become like Him, both by teaching and admonishing one another wisely (Col. 1:28-29) and by persevering through suffering (Jas. 1:2-4), not living apart from it.

Truly “laying it at the cross” is allowing God to determine the results of our relationship as we wisely embark on being His servants (2 Cor. 5:11-6:1), not turning our backs on the hurt of bearing with one another.

Interpretation Leads To Living

Last week's counseling sessions left me contemplating three truths about humanity:

1. We live according to what we believe.
2. We create our own theology and think that we're correct.
3. We constantly need to be reminded of what it means to live by faith.

"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us. The greatest question before the Church is always God Himself, and the most important fact about any man is not what he at any given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like." ~A. W. Tozer , from The Knowledge of the Holy

This quote has stuck with me since the first time I heard it. We live according to what we understand God to be like. If God is relatively unimportant we won't take Him seriously, marginalizing Him to the corners and fringes of our lives. And if we do not recognize God's daily mercy in our lives we will not trust Him when the difficult times arise. It is important that we remember this is true for counselees, too.

Since we live according to what we conceive God to be like we are in essence expert theologians, at least in our own minds, who have an understanding of God that, accurately or not, guides the way we live. At Between Two Worlds there is an audio, manuscript, and video of a John Piper lecture on the doctrine of justification that has helped me better explain to my counselees Who and what should be the driving force for our lives.

Even though we know we are to live by faith, we often forget what faith truly is. Ron Allchin, the director here at BCC coined the following definition that I believe describes the intensely practical nature of faith:

Faith is believing the Word of God and acting upon it,
no matter how I feel, knowing that God promises a good result.

When the concept of faith remain ethereal it is of "no earthly good" and we function as practical atheists. Much of God's plan for abundant living eludes us. Allistar Begg gave a good sermon on faith starting here and continuing here.

Everything begins and ends with God and how we see Him determines how we live. Accurately dividing the Word and helping others to do the same gives us an true picture of God and enables us to walk worthy of our calling--the calling of faith.

A Picture Is Worth 10,000 Words

I found this picture on the Internet. You can view it here. And as the Chinese proverb says, "One picture is worth ten thousand words."

What this picture spoke to me was this: first, we are no match for indwelling sin. Second, and even more important, we are no match for God's mercy and grace. He is irresistible.

When I examine the photo, I am the skinny white kid trying to defeat my sin nature and it is impossible. The gigantic wrestler keeps advancing and the little kid attempts to resist, but it is no use. Eventually the kid will lose just as sin advances on me and I cannot resist it because on my own I don't have enough understanding nor strength.

But there is another perspective to this picture. It is mini-tyrant me trying to resist God's steadfast lovingkindness. Typically we do not trust God with our lives because we want to be the lord of our lives. We want to be in control. Yet my sin nature's attempt to resists God's intrusion is just as futile as the skinny and feeble kid trying to resist the hulking wrestler.

As a counselor, I often find it necessary to convey truths using visual means which accomplish more than my words alone. A few years back I was counseling a man who, although he was agreeing with what God said about his struggles, found little success resisting the ongoing temptation to sin. Even though he was free from the bondage of sin he didn't recognize how heinously offensive his continuing to sin was to God. Therefore, in futility he continued to giving into the temptations. Eventually I described for him that his sin was like sitting in the back of a garbage truck and licking the inside walls and floor, thoroughly loving and enjoying the taste and smell of the rotting food. Needless to say, this was not the abundant life God had for him. That illustration helped him better understand God's perspective on his thoughts and actions, which then led him to turn away from the temptations with a greater devotion to God, thankful for His lovingkindness.

Thoughts For Future Pastors as Counselors

Keith Plummer, a Chicagoland pastor I greatly respect, recently posted his thoughts on the training of young seminarians to be physicians of the soul rather than simply great preachers.

Keith's comments remind me to vigilantly guard my heart knowing that who or what I allow to have authority over me will ultimately have sway regarding my thoughts, actions and beliefs. This requires the ability to think biblically and critically about what we are being taught. The subtlety of sin easily ensnares us when we're relaxed.

Dr. Switzer Revisited

David Powlison clarifies why biblical counseling can be taken seriously after a commenter misunderstood what Powlison intended to communicate.

I find the teachers and counselors over at CCEF to be very insightful and informative on the issues that plague man and his relationship with God and others. I only wish I could be as insightful as these believers.